No Domestic Goddess Here
\n\u00a9Lisa Barker<\/p>\n
I was enjoying a cinnamon bun candle \u2013 one of my favorites. It looks and smells so real I couldn\u2019t help myself and leaned in closer, taking a deep breath. Zzzt. Zzzt.<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t know you could inhale a candle flame but apparently that\u2019s what I did and now I have no hair in my left nostril. I know, because I checked, fascinated by my idiocy.<\/p>\n
So if you start reading warning labels on candles that caution, \u201cInhaling flames can be hazardous to your health,\u201d then you know who the fool was that did the unthinkable to warrant such a statement.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m a burn magnet. I have burn marks along my hairline beneath my bangs. No candles were used for that feat, just a hair iron on wet hair. The heat is so intense it makes the water sizzle right down to the root.<\/p>\n
Even though I stay at home and have nowhere to go in a hurry each morning, I still can\u2019t wait for my hair to dry first. And yet, I\u2019m surprised each time I try to iron wet hair and it goes badly. I haven\u2019t lost any hair yet, only a few layers of skin. I do this two or three times a week.<\/p>\n
I am a magnet for domestic disasters. You should have seen the carpet in our living room before we tore it out and replaced it with laminate flooring. There were patches of melted carpet where the vacuum cleaner hovered too long while I used the attachment to pull threads on the sofa \u2013 I was trying to clean, really I was.<\/p>\n
So naturally I chose motherhood as a fulltime career. There\u2019s nothing more disastrous and death defying.<\/p>\n
Each night I always manage to dip at least two fingers in boiling oil or water, steam my face while draining pasta or burn my wrist on the oven rack while preparing dinner.<\/p>\n
I can\u2019t imagine my high school calling me up to join them for career day.<\/p>\n
I went to school with people who now work for the National Institute of Health or write books on the development of man\u2019s collective religious conscience. I don\u2019t think there\u2019d be anyone lining up at my table to hear about the life of a homemaker. Not because there\u2019s anything wrong with being a homemaker. But look who\u2019s doing the job at my house.<\/p>\n
Take that candle I was sniffing. It might have been accident, a mere \u2018oopsie\u2019 on my part. Everybody makes \u2018oopsies.\u2019 But who burns the hair out of one nostril and then immediately contemplates taking another deep whiff to burn out the other side and make it even?<\/p>\n
I\u2019m not a rocket scientist. I\u2019m not a domestic goddess. I\u2019m Slapstick Sally.<\/p>\n
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\nJelly Mom\u2122 is written by Lisa Barker, author of “Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane…Doesn’t Mean You Are A Bad Parent!” and syndicated through Martin-Ola Press\/Parent To Parent. To publish Jelly Mom, buy the book or leave comments, please visit http:\/\/www.jellymom.com.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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