©Lisa Barker

Dear Mattel and Company,

Our Momma is going to give away all our toys. She means it. We don’t care a whit about all the cars, blocks, stuffed animals and battery operated noisemakers that we have. So Momma is giving them all away to charity and leaving only our favorite playthings around the house.

Things like:

Clean laundry. We love to strew it all over the floor and roll in it before Momma can fold it.

The television remote. This is so much more fun than any noisemaker because it changes the channel and makes Daddy make noise!

Momma’s glass of orange juice. Whee! The itsy bitsy spider went up the garden wall. Down came the OJ and washed the spider down.

The com*put3r k3yb0ar/d. It+s su/ch gr3at fu/n t0 h3lp m0mma typ3!

Dog food. Not only does dog food kibble instantly cover the maximum square footage of floor space, it’s fun to watch Momma fall on her behind as she comes running.

Sofa cushions. How inconvenient to have them tucked in properly. They are much more fun on the floor where we can hop from one to the other like frogs.

Throw rugs. There’s nothing like dragging each other through the house on Momma’s carefully placed throw rugs.

Pencils and crayons. The doors in our house used to be such a boring plain old white. Now they are much more colorful!

The mouse pad. Who’s ingenious idea was it to make such a fun and floppy Frisbee?

Toilet paper. Oh, the uses are endless! We are so good at grabbing the end and running through the house weaving a delicate pattern around the furniture.

It’s MUCH more fun to dump laundry detergent up and down the hall than it is to ride a tricycle.

It’s much more fun to flush items down the toilet than it is to put blocks in a talking container.

It’s so much more fun to mash banana on the laminate floor and slip around than to roller skate.

Thanks for all the time you have taken to research our age group and scientifically define our developmental stages and TRY to invent toys that will please and delight and even educate. But we have learned so much about gravity simply by dropping our food all over the floor. We have learned to count by watching Momma’s red face as she counts to ten. We already know how to do buttons, zippers and ties as we undress ourselves at least three times a day.

Now we need to close this letter and get busy taking all the folded sheets and towels out of the linen closet. SOMEBODY keeps folding them and putting them back. Our work is never done!

Best regards,

Becca (age 3) and Aiden (age 2)

LISA BARKER is a syndicated humor columnist and mom of five. Her latest book is “Before I Had Kids I Was A Size 9” See www.JellyMom.com for more information.

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